The drafts had titles like "If I only had a brain", "What a Long Strange Trip it's Been" and "Brain Death". They listed symptoms and diagnostic details such as; "just emerging from a fog", "last lucid memory is of waking up in a ditch", several hypo densities, white matter. The list goes on. As I read these accounts I feel tender self pity.
Two years ago I was becoming very ill. My rheumatoid arthritis was raging and my rheumatologist decided on a new medication called Enbrel. One of the effects of the drug is that it dampens an over active immune system. (RA is the result of an over active immune system.) The Enbrel caused a drop in my immune function, a drop which was a serious blow to my already compromised immune system. (It seems a contradiction that my immune system is compromised yet I suffer with RA.)
This drop in my immune function resulted in a serious untreatable brain infection. Several CT scans and MRI's showed white matter lesions. Clinically, on the good days, I was very confused and forgetful. On the bad days I was delusional and agitated . I was hallucinating and exhibiting symptoms of schizophrenia. I was hospitalized several times with psychotic episodes. Once for an entire month. I also developed a seizure disorder.
So, the last two years have been interesting. Fortunately I don't remember a lot of it. I remember slogging through days of half existence. I remember the sense of isolation that comes with mental compromise. But the last several months have been better - a slow steady improvement.
Now, present day, I feel great. I am back in the saddle (literally) - riding two days a week. Meds are managing my seizures and psychotic symptoms. I am driving again. I am enjoying a spirit of gratitude that comes from long suffering.
I am grateful but also frustrated. I haven't written a word let alone a line of poetry in the past two years. I hope the part of my brain that writes returns. The only thing I can think of is to go through the motions of writing. So, I am resurrecting the blog as a means to an end. An end that I hope will take the form of creativity. So, please bear with me.
3 comments:
My dear sister:
I am so happy that you are back in the world of horses...and words. Most important, you are still in the wolrd, in my life and heart. Writing is, to me, a lot like an outdoor faucet. It needs to run a few minutes after the winter in order for the clear and fresh water to emerge. Keep flowing!
Having you alive is the biggest gift. it was a hard period and to have you sound like yourself again is a bleedin' miracle.
The writing will come back. It's just been lying dormant for a while.
If this is any indication of what two years away leaves your writing, then I'd say we should all be so brilliant.
You have a story that needs to be told, and you tell it with such astute candor, wit, and pathos.
Love to you always.
David Dietrich
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