Crisis or Faith?

I went to church with my mother today for Easter Services.  I love my Mom's congregation they seem to me to be what all churches should be.  Inclusive, diverse, progressive, devoted to social justice and ministry.  Also a hell of a lot of fun.  The Spirit is there in the laughter, love, eating and joyful celebrating.

It's a tiny church.   It's in its original building which is very old.  The church was founded around the time of slavery here in the south.  Recently freed slaves and other people couldn't afford pew fees were welcomed and the church has maintained a spirit of outreach and inclusiveness ever since that founding.  When I first moved to Charleston, twenty years ago, and while working in the area of HIV/AIDS,  I attended  many funerals, these funeral were not welcome every where.   The AIDS funerals were not popular.  Beautiful funerals were almost exclusively held in this tiny church with its huge heart.

The previous paragraphs are not an attempt to raise funds.  I am simply attempting to demonstrate that I am not un-churched, most of my life I have been "churched" as they say. Often, people dismiss discussion and criticism about religion as the complaint of one who dislikes God, religion or has been wounded in some way and is carrying the proverbial shoulder chip.

While I wouldn't describe myself as churchgoing at this time of my life,  I believe I arrived where I am as a result of many positive forces;  I have an amazing mother who loves God and always encouraged discussion about anything and everything without intellectual, spiritual or other constraints. 

I am a cradle catholic.  About twenty years ago, I started practicing a form of meditation which led me through an exciting evolution which ultimately resulted in me leaving the church.  The meditation was an ancient practice and was taught to me by my spiritual director, a Catholic Sister.   It has been a slow evolution and I didn't realize the profound and wonderful changes that are enriching me.

I started noticing some changes when I recognized the divine in unexpected ways.  I realized  I was worshipping in the woods, on the backs of horses,  while reading or writing a poem.  I am often nourished by the gospels and many other sacred texts.  At today's service (Episcopalian) the Rector mentioned the many different accounts of Christ's resurrection.  In my head I reflected on this year's gospel when the witnesses clung to the risen Lord.  I also remember another  account where Jesus says "Do not cling to me for I have not yet been to the Father"

Later that day I reflected on all the inconsistencies and variations of accounts in the gospels.   It seems the bible has  many spin off stories.  Who wrote what? When?  Why?  Who wrote Revelations?  Was it "John the Divine" or "John, the disciple whom Jesus loved?"  How many more gospels might there be other than the familiar synoptics.  What about the Gnostic Gospels and many other recent interests.

None of these bible study issues has ever interested me very much.  I've never been too clear on the details nor have I been interested in them.  One of my early recollections as regards musing over God or Gods, Saints and sinner's was when I was very young, not quite seven.  I was being prepared for first holy communion.  I believe I was tasting the bitter flavor of theology for the first time.  I remember sitting in my bedroom looking up at the white plastic crucifix (it was the sixties) and in particular I was looking at Jesus smiling beatifically.  I mentioned to Jesus in that casual way children possess when talking to Gods (I expect it's a refreshing way to be addressed when one is a God.) I simply said, "Hey, I don't understand you or what you do or did or why you did it.  But if it's ok with you, Jesus, I'm just going to deal directly with your Dad."

When people start discussing God or worse yet arguing about who/what/how God is, I just want to leave the room.  I'm not too clear on the details but that doesn't bother me.  The details don't interest me.  I'd rather assume that "Holy Whatever"  is way beyond the capacity of my tiny mind.   It is just TOO BIG for my standard issue brain.

I sometimes notice during these theological and sometimes nonsensical discussions that people can get very passionate in defending God or the beliefs they cling too.  One thing I do feel rather sure of is "God" doesn't need me standing in the shadows of some dark church alley cracking my knuckles, pulling back my trenchcoat/vestment to show off my piece, ready to defend him/her.  I do not measure my faith by the passion with which I defend it.  Does this make me a bad Christian?  If it does, should I care?

I love the great "divine" with all of my heart and soul.  My love is a blind love.  My mind only gets in the way.  I think this love, the most important of my life, would be sullied by dissection and detail.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I have a natural repulsion to theology.  There are other things about theology that leave me cold, to me it's been what educated and powerful men often use to lord over the poor and control the masses.  I think that as a six year old saying "I don't understand" I was exhibiting the early stages of a healthy aversion to theology.  

To me discussing theology in the presence of the divine seems akin to pontificating with your limited knowledge of music theory as Ludwig Van Beethoven plays a romantic sonata, written for you to express his love.  Imagine also, you sit with your girlfriends giggling and gossiping while this incredible, beautiful thing is taking place.  I suspect that a younger Beethoven might not have fallen so hard, before losing  his hearing.  While the eyes may be the windows to the soul, the ears are certainly portals for idle gossip.

I don't think I could be present to God, ultimate Light and Love while pondering how many angels can fit on the head of a pin?   I cannot be present to god, love, light while pre-occupied with wowing my colleagues or planning a dissertation.    I love to read and I'm intellectually curious.  I just hope I never confuse knowledge with faith.    Pure light, God, immortal love, I hope these exist but I cannot find them with my mind.  My heart and soul will have to do.  I believe these are to doors to the Divine.