Dolphins

There's something in their way of going that fills me with longing.  I want to be one.  To share their muscle meets fat rubbery form.  To be safely ensconced in their world of weightless play.  

The motion is euphoric, winter or summer the cresting and then submersion.  I fantasize about a life without pain.  My tired soul smiles gratitude when I see them on a pain-less day or I am moved to tears when I see them dancing,  while I ache with envy and illness. 

They live in a universe apart and yet they are my neighbors, I see them often.  I wonder if they are capable of envy.  I can't imagine that we are the objects of it.  They just seem to be doing a better job at life below and above .  I envy them, their playful grace and ready smile.

I did not realize until recently that in addition to envy, I emulate them.  I have always feared pain and illness, from a very young age I became terrified that illness and death could stroll unawares into a young healthy life.

I d0 not fear pain and illness so much as I fear missing out on the fun, the joy, the mixed blessing of life.  I do not give in to pain and illness but there's little bravery involved.  I have to be really suffering and terribly ill to stay in bed. Staying in bed requires bravery, the bravery to relinquish control and face the loneliness and boredom of ill health.

Maybe I am dolphin-esque. I see their smiling eyes and joyful countenance  but what do they see in return? They see me, smiling in the sunlight or pensive on a pale grey day. Perhaps they envy me or perhaps they think I'm a big faker.

I am a faker.  Maybe they are fakers too.

I still envy them.  And I always will.